Divorce is never easy, but when it comes after 33 years of marriage, it feels like your entire world has shifted beneath your feet. I lived through the highs and lows of marriage for more than three decades, and when it all ended, I found myself navigating emotions I never expected, dealing with social changes, and learning profound lessons about life and relationships. As friends and family watched from the sidelines, I realized there were things they needed to understand, not just to help me, but to gain deeper insights into love, loss, and life.
In this article, I’m sharing seven essential lessons I learned through my divorce, lessons I believe my friends (and anyone who knows someone going through a similar experience) need to know. By offering this insight, I hope to help others provide better support, empathy, and understanding to those experiencing the emotional whirlwind of divorce after such a long commitment.
1. Divorce is Not Just an End, It’s a Beginning
A Life-Altering Transition
Divorce, especially after decades of marriage, is more than just the end of a relationship. It’s the beginning of a new chapter, one that often feels unfamiliar and intimidating. When my marriage ended, many friends focused on the “failure” aspect, not realizing that this was also a new start for me. I wasn’t just mourning the loss; I was also grappling with rediscovering myself.
Friends Can Help By Embracing Change
One of the most valuable things friends can do is support this new beginning. While it’s important to acknowledge the pain of loss, it’s equally important to celebrate the opportunities for growth and rediscovery that follow. Encouraging me to explore new interests, helping me reconnect with old hobbies, or simply being there when I wanted to talk about my future made all the difference.
2. Emotional Recovery Takes Time (And That’s Okay)
The Rollercoaster of Emotions
People often think that once the divorce is finalized, the healing process begins and follows a predictable path. But the truth is, emotional recovery after such a long marriage is anything but linear. I had days when I felt optimistic and excited about the future, and others when the grief felt all-consuming.
Patience is Key
What I needed most from my friends during this time was patience. Rather than offering quick fixes or advice to “move on,” those who truly helped were the ones who simply let me feel my feelings without judgment. Understanding that emotional healing from divorce isn’t a quick process, especially after 33 years, is crucial. Compassionate support, without the pressure to “get over it,” is the greatest gift friends can offer.
3. Friends Might Need to Relearn How to Be a Friend
Social Shifts Are Real
When I got divorced, one of the unexpected challenges was the shift in my social dynamics. I was no longer part of a couple, which meant that friendships with other couples sometimes became strained or awkward. I quickly realized that divorce doesn’t just affect the couple involved—it also changes the social fabric around them.
Friendship in a New Light
Friends who helped me most were those who saw me as an individual, not as “part of a couple.” They made an effort to include me in gatherings and activities where I didn’t feel like a third wheel. They invited me to one-on-one hangouts and embraced my new solo identity. These gestures might seem small, but they went a long way in helping me feel valued and supported during a difficult transition.
4. Judgment Isn’t Helpful (Even If It’s Well-Intentioned)
The Fear of Being Judged
One of the hardest parts about divorce, especially after a long marriage, is the subtle judgment from others. Comments like, “What happened? You seemed so happy,” or “Couldn’t you have tried harder?” were incredibly hurtful, even when they came from a place of concern.
Replace Judgment with Empathy
What I needed most from friends wasn’t advice or opinions on what went wrong but understanding and empathy. The truth is, no one can fully know the intricacies of a relationship except the two people in it. Friends who resisted the urge to judge, speculate, or offer unsolicited advice were the ones I leaned on the most. Simple statements like “I’m here for you” or “I’m sorry you’re going through this” meant the world to me.
5. Life After Divorce Can Be Empowering
Discovering My Own Strength
One of the most surprising things I learned after my divorce was how empowering life could be when I stood on my own. After being part of a couple for over 30 years, I had to learn to make decisions for myself, live alone, and rediscover my independence. While the process was difficult at first, it ultimately led to tremendous personal growth.
Encouraging Autonomy and Confidence
Friends who recognized and encouraged my newfound strength were invaluable during this time. They didn’t pity me or treat me like I was broken. Instead, they cheered me on as I rebuilt my life, whether it was by offering words of encouragement or celebrating my small victories. Their belief in my strength helped me believe in myself.
6. The Importance of Self-Care During and After Divorce
Navigating Emotional and Physical Exhaustion
Divorce is emotionally exhausting, but it can also take a physical toll. During the months leading up to and following my divorce, I often neglected my own well-being as I focused on the legal and emotional battles at hand. I needed to be reminded of the importance of self-care.
Friends as Self-Care Champions
Friends who gently reminded me to take care of myself were incredibly helpful. Whether it was suggesting a weekend getaway, a spa day, or even something as simple as a walk in the park, their encouragement helped me prioritize my mental and physical health. Self-care became a critical component of my healing, and friends who supported that journey made all the difference.
7. Divorce Is not a Taboo Subject—Talking About It Helps
Breaking the Silence
Divorce, especially after such a long marriage, can feel like a taboo topic. Many of my friends avoided the subject altogether, fearing that bringing it up would make me uncomfortable. But in reality, talking about it was cathartic. Staying silent about something so monumental made me feel isolated.
Open Conversations Lead to Healing
Friends who asked how I was feeling, who weren’t afraid to talk about the emotional, practical, and even humorous aspects of post-divorce life, helped me heal. These conversations allowed me to process my emotions and gain perspective. It’s important for friends to remember that silence doesn’t always equal comfort—sometimes, talking things through is exactly what’s needed.
Conclusion: Navigating Divorce with the Right Support
Divorce after 33 years is a life-changing event that requires time, patience, and understanding. Friends can play a pivotal role in the healing process by offering judgment-free support, recognizing the importance of self-care, and understanding that divorce is both an ending and a new beginning. Through open conversations, empathy, and encouragement, friends can help someone rediscover their strength and embrace the possibilities that come with a new chapter of life.
The most important thing friends should know is that divorce, while painful, is also an opportunity for growth, empowerment, and self-discovery. And with the right support, navigating this challenging time can become an experience of transformation and hope.